I am so much devoted to my Mother ShriLalita Maheshwari AdShakti. When I was small I loved God, but as I reached 13-14 years, I thought that the concept of religion, God and others is a superstition, so I rejected all this. But as I grew to 16, I read various articles about religion, Bhakti, Yog, Ved, Purans. So I became very devoted to Mother Laita.
But now sometimes when I worship, doubts come in my mind that does Mother Lalita even exists or not. I tried to resist these doubts. But my science-based thinking keeps on making me doubt. I read Devi bhagwatam, Vivek Chudamani, various Stotram etc. a little bit. But still the doubt comes to my mind that does God even exist? I read in Vivek Chudamani that this condition - "doubt whether God is real or unreal" is called ViPratiPatti. But I then doubt is this Vipratipatti real or the author has just written it as such. And if Brahma really exists, why does It(from 'It' I mean the genderless Brahma), need to take form of Mother Lalita, or Shri Shiva, or Shri Vishnu and others? And if all these forms are true and complete Brahma, why should we worship any one of them and consider the rest inferior? And so many other doubts. So I feel that all the Ved Purans etc have been written only to establish good rules to benefit people. But then again I argue to myself, if God is unreal, then why in many tantras etc. there is a procedure or sadhana to even get Darshan of God? But again I start feeling that maybe the Darshan is just because of some psychological reason or something. And even if mantra work, they might work by creating waves of fmvarious frequency and these waves effect the various mantra such as Mohan, Ucchatan, Maran etc. And no real God is behind the working of these mantra. And so many other doubts come to me.
I read BhagwatGeetaa a little bit, but I then questioned myself- is this Geeta ever been said by ShriVishnu, or is it just an Imagination. Is it just to benefit the old aged people, because when someone will become old, he may not be able to do anything, so some wise people thought let us create the concept of Moksha Sannyaas etc. for the benefit of these people. And maybe some wise men got jealous and they created other sects of getting Moksha such as- Gyan marg, Yog, Bhakti, Sadhana, Tantra, etc. And so many other doubts.
I want my life back. Please save me. I was really devoted to Devi. But these doubts are hindering me for the true devotion. And this has really caused a lot of mental problems to me like depression, fear that God will will punish me, preoccupation, lack of confidence, stammering etc. I don't want anything. I just want to know if God exists or not. I really want to devote myself completely to Mother Laita. Please save me from these doubts.