I know it sounds crazy, but I have an omnipotent imaginary friend and
he runs the universe.
His name is Fred.
Fred created everything that exists from nothing between 6,000 and 14
billion years ago. Which pretty much makes him omnipotent.
I say Fred is imaginary because no one really sees him but me.
Not that I see him in the normal way. No, Fred is more like — a
presence. I can feel him sometimes, flowing through me. But even
without seeing him face to face, I know Fred is real.
I talk to him. And he talks to me. In fact, we have regular
conversations, Fred and I.
Fred tells me all kinds of things. How to judge right from wrong. What
goals I should have in life. Even what to eat for breakfast sometimes.
But it’s more than that.
Fred has also revealed the secrets of the universe to me. How he
created our world. And how it will end. (In a violent cataclysm,
unfortunately.) Fred has a plan for humanity, you see.
My friends are concerned about my belief in Fred. Maybe it’s the
suddenness of it.
I just found Fred last week. Before that, life was truly bleak.
Outwardly, I seemed OK, but inside, I was miserable. I didn’t know why
I was even alive. And I was afraid of dying.
Fred has changed all that. Now my life has meaning. I understand how I
fit into Fred’s cosmic design. Plus, I get to talk with the guy who
created it all. Pretty cool.
But people have doubts about me, and about Fred. They say Fred doesn’t
exist. They think I’m having some kind of hallucination.
I beg to differ. I’m confident in the truth of Fred’s existence. I
know Fred is real, and I can prove it.
It’s in the Book of Fred.
The Book of Fred was written, a long time ago, by someone who
apparently had the exact same omnipotent imaginary friend as me. The
Book of Fred says that Fred created the universe. It lists Fred’s
rules for ethical living and recounts Fred’s many miracles.
It’s all there in black and white.
Sadly, my friends dispute the truth of the Book of Fred. But as it
says in the book, “Anyone who disputes the truth of the Book of Fred
is way stupid and eternally damned.”
Of course, I’ve been adding to the book all the new stuff Fred is
telling me, so I have the true updated word of Fred (if anyone’s
interested).
Personally, I’d hate to be caught unprepared when Fred finally gets
fed up and destroys the world. He’s going to do it, too.
